The concept of “death” is one of the most difficult concepts for us adults. This concept, which contains “helplessness,” can lead an individual into a deep grieving process. Explaining this difficult process to a child and helping the child experience grief can be very difficult even for adults.

We can say that when an adult experiences grief, they go through certain stages. The first stage is shock, followed respectively by denial, anger, depression, acceptance, and healing. Once the adult has moved beyond the shock stage and is able to calm themselves, cry, and experience their sadness, they should explain the situation to the child.

We can explain the concept of death to children differently according to their age groups. However, no matter how old the child is, this explanation should be made in an environment where the child feels safe, for example in their room, and by the person or people with whom they feel safe.

If your child is in the preschool period, instead of using the concept of “death,” it is better to say: “He/she (or they) is no longer here. They cannot breathe, talk, or eat like we do. We will not be able to see or hug them anymore. We may miss them very much; when we miss them, we can look at their photographs. And we can continue to love them.” It is important not to confuse the child with statements such as “they went far away” or “they are watching us from the sky.” Space should be created for the child to ask questions and talk, and short, clear answers should be given.

While we adults express ourselves by talking, children express themselves more through play and find a way to release their emotions. Since play is a symbolic language for the child, it is helpful to play with the child frequently during this period.

At older ages, the concept of death can be understood abstractly. The child understands that death is irreversible. It is not harmful for a child around 8–9 years old to be present at a mourning house or funeral ceremony. By seeing that people who have experienced death become sad and cry, but then wipe away their tears and try to continue their routines, the child can learn the concept of “healthy grief.”

If the deceased person or people are the child’s parents, these conversations can be carried out by grandparents or other caregivers. They can create space for the child’s emotional reactions. Young children may continue their daily life shortly after learning that someone close has died and may even want to play. They may ask repeatedly where the deceased person is and when they will come back. This is consistent with the cognitive and emotional development of young children. It is very important that adults do not respond to these attitudes by blaming the child or forcing them to grieve.

Just like adults, children may react differently to this process:

  • Their eating habits may change.
  • They may seem indifferent.
  • They may ask frequent questions.
  • They may develop fears and become dependent on the person they will live with.
  • They may cry a lot or not cry at all.

All these and similar reactions vary from child to child. If the person or people supporting the child are having difficulty, they should seek support from a specialist. So what situations require professional support?

  • If there are serious sleep problems (cannot sleep, has nightmares, talks in sleep frequently, etc.)
  • If there are serious changes in eating habits (loss of appetite, weight loss)
  • If there is irritability or aggression
  • If bedwetting, soiling, or stool retention begins
  • If the child behaves as if nothing has happened
  • If there are significant behavioral changes

In such cases, support from a specialist may be necessary.

What can we do as a parent (or caregiver)?

  • Play frequently with the child and allow them to express themselves during play.
  • Create opportunities for them to talk and support them in experiencing their emotions.
  • Share your own feelings and sadness.
  • If you do not know the answer to a question or find it difficult, tell the child that you do not know the answer but that you can talk about it later.
  • Children are very good observers. It is important for the adult to grieve as well. It is beneficial for the child to see the adult crying and feeling sad, but then wiping away their tears, eating, and continuing some of their routines.

It is important not only for the child but also for the adult to experience grief in a healthy way. “Prolonged grief” symbolizes unhealthy grieving. Experiencing healthy grief is important because, when we remember the deceased person, we should not remain stuck in sadness but also be able to remember their happy memories.

Pınar Ersöz Tezer
Psychologist & Family Counselor & EMDR Therapist